Today’s journal prompt is…
“My saddest memory is…”
I’ve had many sad memories. Mistakes I’ve made. Remembering hurts people have caused me over the years. They don’t seem so sad to me anymore, but I can still feel the sting from time to time.
That being said, one of the saddest memories was the day of my friend’s funeral. When I lived in Korea, I made friends with a woman at church and we later became roommates. I loved this person like a sister, and even though she was 20 years older than me, she was a true and wonderful friend. (Age has never been a factor for me with friendships – I’ve had many great friendships with people of all ages, I consider it a blessing and I’m so thankful for them all.)
My friend and I unfortunately had a falling out several months later, she got married, and I did not see her much after that. The last time I had contact with her was when I had called her to tell her I was getting married, but she did not pick the phone. I left her a text message and she responded with a happy sounding congratulations. I expressed how great it would be if she could come to the wedding, but I never received a reply back from her.
A few months later, my former pastor called me to tell me my friend had committed suicide. I was stunned. I felt numb inside. I could not believe it. My friend had struggled with depression for a long time, and now her struggle had come to an end.
The seriousness of her death – the realization that she was truly gone – did not hit me until I arrived at the funeral home and hugged her husband, telling him, “I’m so sorry”. It was at that moment that I burst into tears, the grief overwhelmed me so that I felt dizzy and nauseous. I couldn’t bear to look into the casket – I was actually afraid to look. I walked with the funeral procession to the gravesite and watched the men bury my friend, all the while thinking about the precious memories I had with her. Sometimes I wonder “what if, what if” – what if I had reached out to her more, what if she had not moved away, what if… but I can not rewind the past, as much as I want to.